Thursday, October 27, 2011

Bloody Moon (1981, Jesus Franco)

Decent enough slasher re-tread from Jess Franco about a Spanish language teaching boarding school full of European broads who are being killed off by a mystery wacko. There's some shit about a red herring with a disfigured face who's released from a mental hospital into the hands of his greedy sister, whom he shares an incestuous relationship with. Also got a full-blown retard grounds keeper and a guy who is inexplicably irresistible to women...

"Bloody Moon" ain't too bad - just standard slasher material with some hot ladies who are occasionally topless, though I really expected a little more nudity considering this IS a Franco film. The gore factor is okay. Had to chuckle at that phony fucking circular saw lopping off that cheezy mannequin head. It does drag on a little and that awful musical score really wore on my nerves.

Mildly recommended for die hard slasher buffs.

The Funhouse (1981, Tobe Hooper)

 
Back before Tobe Hooper's career hadn't completely derailed, he managed to coast through a few years with a couple of decent flicks. Hooper's "mistake" was having started off strong with a monumentally successful and universally iconic horror masterpiece as his main jumping-off point. Unfortunately, he was left with no choice but to coincide with the horror "norm", more or less.

"The Funhouse" was Hooper's more "traditional" approach to the slasher genre (I couldn't and WOULD'T consider "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" a traditional slasher film) in the post-"Halloween" and "Friday the 13th" craze of the early 80s (look for the not-so-subtle nod to "Halloween" AND "Psycho" in the opening scene).

A group of teens are bumming around a seedy carnival and think it'd be a NIFTY idea to jump off the funhouse ride and spend the night inside. They end up peeping in on one of the masked carnies paying the haggard old fortune teller for some saweet lovin'. And not unlike my first prostitute encounter, he has "bad timing" and chokes out the snotty bitch after she refuses to give his money back. While Sticky Pants is mulling over it with his carnival barker father, the sneaky kids are discovered and, from there, your slasher formula takes off...

I've always really liked "The Funhouse". The atmosphere plays a big part in building some nice suspense. The entire carnival setting is tremendously filthy and has a completely unwelcoming, unclean vibe. The effects by Rick Baker - namely the unnamed killer freak - with his fangs, cratered face, and late David Carradine hair are neat looking. Like Leatherface (the original, of course), he is given no real back-story and comes at his victims fucking HARD. Also, the interior set design of the funhouse is well done and creepy. If Hooper had one thing pegged, it was incredibly detailed sets.

"The Funhouse" is very fun flick that certainly goes along well with the Halloween holiday 'watch list'. If you haven't seen it, see it.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Splinter (2008, Toby Wilkins)

I put off seeing this one for a quite a while. Not sure why - I guess the idea of this one didn't really peak my interest and to be honest, given all the positive buzz I had heard on it, I was kinda let down...

A reasonably hot chick and her stereotypical nerd boyfriend's camping trip fails so on their way to a motel they are unlucky enough to pull over for another couple who take them hostage. They end up hitting some unidentifiable animal in the road. Eventually, they make their way to a gas station where they are attacked by a mangled body that comes flailing out of the restroom, covered in porcupine-like spikes. Seems that whomever is stuck with one of these spikes loses control of their body, causing them to bend and break and go nuts...

"Splinter" isn't the worst thing I've ever seen, it just followed too closely with other more recent flicks like "The Ruins", "Cabin Fever", and the "Feast" movies. There's a few splattery moments and the effects are rather good from what I could see, but the fucking overuse of shaky-cam was absolutely enraging! Every time the goddamn contorted creature was on screen the fucking camera bounced around so much there was no way to tell what was happening.

A little entertaining, but one you could afford to skip.

Phantasm: Oblivion (1998, Don Coscarelli)

The way I see it, to call any film "flawless" or "perfect" is an outrageously brazen and simple minded statement to make and would most commonly be uttered by someone with very little knowledge of the art of cinema. Not that I would ever call myself an expert of film, in general, and I understand that it's typically a matter of opinion and personal preference. Hell, some of the most beloved films of all time soar far over my comprehension as to how they have become so highly rated among the general movie-going public over time. However, I feel that the horror genre, in itself, is a category of film that I have a pretty solid grasp on, having seen a good portion of it and continuing to do so. Don Coscarelli's 1979 surrealistic horror drive-in nightmare is one that I have always outspokenly referred to as a "perfect" horror film. Without going too far in-depth (that will happen at a later date), "Phantasm" was a low-budget film that used every ounce of it's creative grass-roots potential to it's utmost advantage - challenging the audience with incredibly bizarre ideas from a film maker who was so goddamn far ahead of his time. Now that modern horror has been reduced to a stale, repetitive, childish, and creatively brain-dead means of generating profit to Zionist Hollywood ghouls, it's likely that films of a similar artistically driven magnitude as "Phantasm" are surely lost.

Unfortunately, Don Coscarelli's progression into the studio circuit resulted in the budding film maker being, as they say, chewed up and spit out and due to the relative absence of Coscarelli over more recent years, it's safe to say his "drive" ain't what it used to be. When the long awaited "Phantasm II" was butchered in the pre-production stages and thoughtlessly shat out in theaters for it's immanent box-office bombing, Coscarelli deemed the "Phantasm" concept over with. But, like anyone, he had to keep his head afloat, thus, a second sequel, mindlessly dubbed "Lord of the Dead" (1993), was released straight-to-video. At this point, Coscarelli made it clear that it was strictly a "make a quick buck" type of situation.

Seeing as how the "Phantasm" franchise was developing a serious base of hardcore fans, it seemed only right for there to be a satisfying conclusion to the Tall Man saga. Five years after the embarrassingly comedic third installment, "Phantasm: Oblivion" was released - again, straight-to-video. As it happens, "Oblivion" was meant as a precursor to a fan-written script that Coscarelli no doubt approved as a respectable ending to his series. Turned out, the fan script required too much of a budget and since studios most definitely had no faith in the project, it was shelved there are no talks of it being made any time in the future.

Hence, we're left with "Oblivion", which I must say, despite it's seemingly unfinished dues, wraps up the series with remarkably haunting nuance.

It picks up where the third left off with Mike attempting to escape the Tall Man through the desert, via hearse, and Reggie trying to find him, via Cuda. There's still some inane bullshit involving Bill Thornbury popping up here and there; no doubt just to include all of the original main cast. Mike still has a sphere in his skull and Reg still applies some skilled dwarf killing know-how that never ceases to entertain. Scrimm is, of course, back and has more dialog than ever.

Though the storyline has gotten a bit overly complicated and silly at times (i.e. the sphere tits), all seems fairly well with this fourth film. They've nixed the action/comedy shit seen in the last two movies and stuck to a bit of a slower, horror-based tone.What really makes "Oblivion" stand out for fans of the series are the occasional cut scenes from the original that were apparently lost for years up until that point. It's actually amazing to see some of these scenes that were obviously not scrapped due any pointlessness of including them, but because several appeared to be alternate concepts for where the original could have gone. One looks as though it were a possible alternative ending involving Mike and Jody hanging the Tall Man from a tree and the Tall Man convincing Mike to cut him down. Plus, there's a brief glimpse of Jody's previously unclear fate and the ending scene is, in my opinion, a phenomenal way to end the franchise.

That alone is reason enough to check out "Oblivion". As far as fans wanting more explanation and closure, fuck it. The way I see it, dreams (or phantasms) never seem to have any known beginning or end. I mean, yeah, it would always be cool to see more "Phantasm" films as long as Coscarelli stays somewhat committed to directing them, but dragging the series on too far would only wear out it's proverbial "magic". Plus, Angus Scrimm doesn't look like he's in any shape to play the Tall Man anymore and anyone else in that role would be completely unacceptable. So, I vote to leave it alone from here. Let poor Coscarelli make more unamusing Bubba Ho Tep movies until he finds that special inspiration that he found back in the 70s and decides to catch lightning in a bottle, once again, and throw one more horror masterpiece our way. I'm not holding my breath.

Monday, October 24, 2011

The Misled Romance of Cannibal Girl & Incest Boy (2007, Richard Taylor)

"The Misled Romance of Cannibal Girl & Incest Boy" is a neat little 15 minute short shot on Super 8. It's about a sexy goth girl who simply walks around, killing and eating people. She comes across a seemingly abused young man (Incest Boy) who is dragged along on a leash by his pregnant mother (I assume). Cannibal Girl saves him from his sadistic mother by ripping her entrails out of her vagina and the two misfits fall in love - spending the day frolicking at a fair.

Quite a nostalgic old format - reminiscent of early John Waters. There's no audible dialog to go along with the vintage look. There's some simplistic splatter effects, such as Lloyd Kaufman getting his head stomped and a man getting his dick bitten off behind a dumpster of aborted fetuses. Awesome. "The Misled Romance of Cannibal Girl & Incest Boy" is definately one for fans of oddballs shit...

Basement (2010, Asham Kamboj)

In my on-going quest for high-end or just plain notable cinema, I have seen some grade-A shit in my time. Honest-to-goodness, down-n-dirty, so-bad-it's-fucking-heinous flicks. Many of which belong to the horror genre, seeing as how horror remains my primary interest. Perhaps I'm just in an odd "funk" at this time, but I don't seem to recall having experienced a film as utterly worthless, non-structured, and just all-around cinematically incompetent as "Basement".

Basic plot set-up: a group of anti-war college protester shitheads take a pit stop in the woods during a trip and all find their way into an underground maze of leaky pipes and lurking creatures (?)...

The "hook" is that certain members of their party may be involved in some kind of secret experiment having to do with locking people in this subterranean labyrinth with hooded women dressed like ninjas. Sorta like a few other, far superior psychological horror films, such as "The Hole" and "Cube". Not only does "Basement" never come close to being one shard of a fraction as gripping as either of those films, but it goes stumbling SO ass backwards into nonsense, that when the abrupt and highly unexplained ending whisked by, I was almost in shock. It all falls under a relatively short run-time, consisting of undeveloped characters, an infuriatingly slow build-up, puny amounts of gore, repetitive dialog, and, AGAIN, a "twist" ending with a hilariously pro-war slant that HAD to have been blurted out on the spot during the last few minutes of production. There's NO WAY that this particular idea had been written down and approved, in some way, by others involved...

I can't express further my absolute contempt for "Basement" and legitimate confusion as how even a semi-functioning human mind could've went along with this. Absolutely atrocious.

Friday, October 21, 2011

The Countess (2009, Julie Delpy)

 
The story of Hungarian Countess Elizabeth Bathory is some truly interesting and opaque historical lore that definitely renders itself fittingly in cinematic form. Julie Delpy not only directed, but wrote, produced and stars in "The Countess" - a film that attempts to recount the life of Bathory from what little documentation is left.

The way in which Elizabeth Bathory is portrayed in Delpy's biographical drama piece is immensely sympathetic in what is shown to be an existence based solely on power, inciting fear, and lavishing in pitiful romantic obsessions. The magnitude in which she wields her power is mercilessly cruel, ultimately leaving her wallowing in loneliness and desperation. Her only solace lies in the preservation of her youthful beauty, best summed up in the line "time has no respect for beauty". As her womanly vanity reaches it's peak and morphs into mental weakness and psychosis, she assumes the only way in which to reverse the aging process and maintain a younger appearance is to wash her skin with the blood of young virgin girls. This vampiric ritual resulted in the deaths of well over 100 young women who were supposedly dumped around Bathory's castle and, naturally, devoured by animals. As the film shows, Bathory had a kind of steel iron maiden type of apparatus constructed as a more convenient method of blood siphoning. A journal containing descriptions of each murder was found and she was eventually imprisoned...

Delpy is phenomenal as Bathory. Her varying states of physical illness as well as mental are depicted skillfully, making her performance the definite high-point of the film. In fact, the events depicted in the film, as well as the overall tone, aren't carried out all that particularly grim or creepy, which is how Delpy's performance comes across as strong as it does. That said, there could've been little more "style" involved in the filming, as some scenes look a bit bland and conventional.

Overall, "The Countess" is a pretty well done take on the Elizabeth Bathory murders and the lead actress should definitely be commended for her role.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Crowbar: The Killings of Wendell Graves (2010, Scott M. Phillips)


Just another slasher film with potential that fucked it all up with hefty doses of unoriginality.

An inter-racially wed couple moves into a house where a young boy saw his parents brutally murdered on Halloween ten years prior. While wifey and the girls are getting tipsy on wine, a similarly dressed (if not the same...) killer breaks in and kills two out of the three with his crowbar. Apparently, the double-homicide investigation is able to wrap up within the night, but the couple is hesitant to go back inside immediately. So, they decide to do some detective work of their own and find out the origins of the house and who the killer could possibly be. Turns out, the towns people, themselves, may have something to do with the house's secretive past...

For a flick with an obviously MEGA-low budget, the camera work and atmosphere are all well done. That's about all there is for the "pros". Cons: awful acting, tremendous predictability, and clichĂ©s abound! Not to mention the killer's ensemble looks like it was designed by someone who had never seen a horror film before yet ignorantly compiled the outfit based on what they figured your average slasher antagonist WOULD wear; welder's mask and apron. Why wouldn't he wear a mask that is easier to see through?

Unfortunately, no nudity is included in the film and the gore is relatively tame. In all, it just seemed like the director wanted to make the most standard slasher film he could. Seems kinda lazy considering it's an indie effort and he most certainly had all of the creative freedom he could muster at his very fingertips, yet he decided to scrape by with the bare minimum which is "Crowbar: The Killings of Wendell Graves". Don't bother with it...

http://chemicalburn.org/

Thursday, October 13, 2011

I Sold My Soul to Satan (2010, David Gaz, Alex Vazart)


Not entirely sure WHAT my take was on "I Sold My Soul to Satan". I haven't come across much info on it, but it's advertised and formated as a documentary, yet the basis for the film is so goddamn ridiculous that I refuse to believe it's 100% legit...

It follows a struggling rock musician who has agreed to partake in an extensive ritual that would result in his soul being granted to Satan in exchange for fame and wealth. The bulk of the movie is him discussing his decision with an overly enthusiastic occult store clerk and attempting to gather up supplies (herbs, satanic twigs, spells, etc).

"I Sold My Soul to Satan" is an occasionally funny "documentary", but for the most part, it's just rather boring. The fact that nobody in the film seems to be taking this demonic conjuration even the slightest bit seriously was enough to curb any earnestness behind whatever the fuck this guy was trying to accomplish. In my opinion, this film would've been better without such a "lighthearted" and ignorant approach (granted, if any of this shit was even REAL, which I highly doubt!) and maybe focused more on someone who was intensely serious about these rituals. Still, if you're even a moderately smart person, hopefully you'll realize that the outcome will amount to ZILCH no matter how the movie is done.

I can't strongly recommend this flick due it being pretty dull, but it's got one or two laughable moments. Not that any of it matters...

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Worm Eaters, The (1977, Herb Robins)


You don't hear a lot of kind words about "The Worm Eaters", mainly because of it's inane indecipherability that even major B-movie fans find nearly impossible to tolerate. Call me crazy, but I found the flick oddly satisfying in it's absolute absurdity.

The premise is simple: A club footed hermit with a deed to valuable land is pursued by the town's mayor and some local thugs who want to build condominiums. The reclusive weirdo seems to have a soft spot for worms and hordes a box of them as pets; even talking to them. Apparently, for some inexplicable reason, the worms turn the lower half of a person's body into a worm if consumed...

"The Worm Eaters" was directed/written by and stars Herb Robins from Tobe Hooper's "The Funhouse", who clearly didn't know what the fuck he was doing here, neither in the realm of horror or comedy. The shear ludicrous nature of the film makes John Waters' earliest films appear to have an immensely structured narrative! Almost every frame of "The Worm Eaters" is nonsensical and poorly shot. Still, I LOVE this this type of shit. It's just so god awful that I couldn't help but just sit back and laugh like an idiot at the whole thing. It's a total exercise in atrocious film making with needless characters played out by THE most obnoxious actors who insist on shouting every one of their lines. The scene of the dimwitted campers barking for hot dogs was a complete waste of celluloid! Fuck, so was the scene involving the Jack Black-looking guy pretending to be a Playboy photographer, the town hall meeting, the worm dancing scene, etc, etc! When the people begin turning into human/worm hybrids, it's easily the worst effect ever put on film. Sleeping bags! Sleeping bags on their goddamn legs!

Don't expect to like "The Worm Eaters" if you have even a remotely picky attitude about B-grade horse shit cinema. If you can watch the first five minutes of the film and laugh at it, I'd suggest you stick it out through the entire thing.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

I Saw the Devil (2010, Jee-woon Kim)


I can honestly say, without the slightest bit of uncertainty, that "I Saw the Devil" ranks as one of the sharpest and most absorbing serial killer films of the last 20 years - right up there with "Silence of the Lambs". I was fucking blown away with this wild South Korean flick!

After a secret agents fiancĂ©e is brutally murdered by a sadistic lunatic, he devises a complicated method of revenge. He manages to track down and corner the constantly active killer, shoves a small tracking device down his throat, breaks his arm and leaves him alive. The enraged boyfriend continues tracking the killer, assumingly enjoying how the tables have turned, as the killer maintains his vicious compulsion of random killing and raping. His problem, however, lies within the victim's avenger, whose hunting consists of barging in on the killer when he is about to harm another person and beating the ever-loving shit out of him, thus, throwing off his murderous activity throughout this degrading cat-and-mouse "game"! This bizarre pattern of on-going vengeance plays out until the deranged madman finally figures enough is ENOUGH and it's decided that retaliation is imperative...

Truthfully, I could fine no fault in "I Saw the Devil". It is completely satiated with gratifying heaps of savage violence and extremely strong performances (most notably, Choi Min-sik from "Oldboy"), all contained in an amazingly slick and immaculate bestowal of attentive film making. The cinematography is stunning and the effects are incredibly convincing - namely, the beatings with pipes and other blunt objects are fucking vicious looking! No punches are pulled in terms of misogynistic cruelty and fanatical torture.

Not only is "I Saw the Devil" an all-around entertaining mix of graphic horror and action, it also managed to strike a few chords in the way of some pretty affecting hints toward moral conscience and regret pertaining to vigilante justice and the victim becoming victimizer type shit. It all works very well in the way it's cinematically composed and paced. Plus, the ending is oddly tragic.

I guess if I were to nit-pick, I'd say the inclusion of the cannibal character was a bit over-the-top and felt kind of out of place. It's a small gripe, if you would even consider it one. Hell, it doesn't matter. For a flick that almost reaches two-and-a-half hours, it fucking flies by and kept me glued. Highly recommended.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Snowballs (2011, Harmony Korine)

"Snowballs" is yet another deeply haunting short film from master auteur director Harmony Korine. It centers around two women dressed in Native American garb with totally blank, inhuman facial expressions. They hang out around a tee-pee in the woods, drink from milk jugs, and dance down the street. Next, they are seen randomly sitting with an old, bug-eyed man who babbles pervertedly before laying down with an oxygen mask strapped to his face...

Like many of Korine's films, "Snowballs" has no narrative structure. It's a series of small "events" seen over a strange, chipmunk sounding voice that sings a bizarre song. Like I said, it's a haunting and mysterious short that is clearly interpretive of something Korine's fucked up brain felt the need to express. At least, based on the film maker's current body of work and unique, visionary outlook, that is what I believe. Do check this out!

Bad Dreams (1988, Andrew Fleming)


Cool little 80s nut-house horror flick.

A Manson-ish cult's commune blows up, killing all of the followers except for one, who remains in a coma for thirteen years. Once she's out of it, she's thrown into a mental hospital support group with hopes that she will regain some recollection of her experiences and learn to adapt to life in the wonderful late 80s. Not too easy when it appears that the scorched ghost of the cult leader is there to claim her and kill off all of her disturbed peers...

"Bad Dreams" is pretty enjoyable 80s nostalgia. It's got the ideal 'look' of the time, familiar music, and actually has some fairly atmospheric moments. Not a wall-to-wall gore-fest, but there ARE a few decent kills and some exceptionally good effects - namely, the skinless "entity" and the scene in which a room full of people all catch on fire. That shit was excellently done for the time! And, like every flick set in a psych-ward, you get a nice ensemble of wacky characters, which is why I typically dig asylum-set horror movies.

By no means is "Bad Dreams" a GREAT film, but it's a fast-paced and amusing little psychological flick. Recommended.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Scarlet Fry's Junkfood Horrorfest (2007, Brian Crow, Scarlet Fry)


Anthology horror films are typically a well favored commodity for those looking for allegorical variety within the span of a normal length film. The beauty of the "anthology" is that you can almost always pick out your favorite segment (or, at least, the one you found sucked the LEAST). As far as "Scarlet Fry's Junkfood Horrorfest" goes - I can only describe it as the official anti-anthology horror film with absolutely NO discernible creativity or thought put into each of the 8+ shorts it contains.

Scarlet Fry - a guy who piddles around in the mega-low-budget horror scene - plays a backwoods zombie in the hacky wrap-around story, unamusingly introducing each bastardly "story". The first story, "Bloodthirsty Butcher", is simply about a morbidly obese man who is out of food so he lures a girl from a laundromat to eat her. Other stories are basically the same, in terms of brainlessness. Another story shows a man committing suicide in manner suspiciously similar to the beginning of Buttgereit's "Der Todesking". There's one about a satanist who kills his girlfriend/wife after she catches him in another ritual. My favorite segment, by far, has a bunch of over-aged skater punks who are offered drug money by an effeminate male prostitute in a parking garage. To be honest, I laughed my balls off at this scene.

Overall, "Junkfood Horrorfest" is just what the title suggests. Junky, micro-budget film making that anyone with a halfway decent (and ultimately immature) sense of humor and a six-beer buzz will get a kick out of simply based on how half-assed and LAZY the piece of shit is!